Separation anxiety is a common and normal stage of development for infants and toddlers.
It refers to the anxiety they experience when their caregiver leaves them, such as when they drop them off at daycare or leave for work. Babies and toddlers with separation anxiety may cry and become clingy when caregivers leave, even if only for a few moments.
Separation anxiety can be difficult to deal with for both infants and caregivers, but there are ways to reduce the distress and help them cope. In this article, we will discuss what causes separation anxiety in babies and toddlers, how to recognize the signs, and how to manage it during the day and at night.
What causes separation anxiety in babies and toddlers?
Separation anxiety occurs when babies begin to learn object permanence. Object permanence is the understanding that people and objects continue to exist, even when they cannot see them. Babies begin to understand this when they are 6–12 months old¹. However, because they do not have an understanding of time, they do not know when their caregiver will come back. This causes them to become afraid and agitated.When children become more independent during toddlerhood, they may develop a greater awareness of separation from their caregiver. This may result in them going through another phase of separation anxiety².
In many cases, separation anxiety will fade naturally as a child gets older. However, certain factors can trigger or exacerbate it, such as:
- The arrival of a new sibling
- A new or unfamiliar childcare setting
- A new caregiver
- Moving home
- The loss of a parent or caregiver
- Extended absences from a caregiver, for example, due to military deployment
- The stress of a caregiver, which the infant may pick up on
- Feeling tired, hungry, or unwell
Some evidence suggests that parenting styles can also play a role. A parenting style that discourages autonomy, or the ability for children to make some of their own decisions, can reinforce clinginess².
How to recognize the signs of separation anxiety in babies and toddlers?
Potential signs of separation anxiety in a baby or toddler can include²³:
- Crying when a caregiver leaves the room
- Clinging to the caregiver, especially in new or unfamiliar situations
- A fear of strangers
- A strong preference for one caregiver over another
- Requiring a caregiver to remain nearby so that they can see or touch them
- Having trouble falling asleep without a caregiver nearby
- Having nightmares about being separated from a caregiver
- Being reluctant to play with other children or participate in activities without a caregiver
Not all babies and toddlers will show all these signs, and some may show none at all. The intensity and duration of separation anxiety can vary depending on the child's temperament, age, and situation.
How to manage separation anxiety in babies and toddlers during the day?
Separation anxiety can be challenging for both infants and caregivers during the day, especially when they have to part for work or childcare. However, there are some strategies that can help ease the transition and make it less stressful for both parties²³:
- Practise short separations from your baby to begin with. You could start by leaving them in someone else's care for a few minutes while you go to another room or run an errand. Gradually increase the length and frequency of these separations as your baby gets used to them.
- Talk about what you'll do together later. Talk to your toddler about what you're going to do when you see them again so that they have something positive to look forward to. For example, you could say "I'll be back after lunch and then we'll go to the park".
- Leave something comforting with your baby. You could leave a familiar toy, blanket, or piece of clothing with your baby that smells like you or reminds them of you. This can help them feel more secure and connected to you while you're away.
- Develop a consistent and reassuring goodbye routine. Try to keep your departure calm and predictable. Give your baby a hug and a kiss, tell them where you're going and when you'll be back, and say goodbye confidently. Avoid sneaking out without saying goodbye or prolonging the farewell as this can make them more anxious.
- Choose a trustworthy and familiar caregiver. If possible, try to leave your baby with someone they know and trust, such as a relative, friend, or regular babysitter. If you have to use a new or unfamiliar caregiver, try to introduce them to your baby beforehand and let them spend some time together while you're still around.
- Be supportive and empathetic. Acknowledge your baby's feelings and let them know that it's okay to be sad or scared. Reassure them that you love them and that you'll always come back. Praise them for being brave and coping well.
How to manage separation anxiety in babies and toddlers at night?
Separation anxiety can also affect babies and toddlers at night, making it harder for them to fall asleep or stay asleep without a caregiver nearby. This can disrupt their sleep quality and affect their mood and development. Here are some tips to help your baby or toddler sleep better at night despite separation anxiety²³:
- Establish a regular and relaxing bedtime routine. Having a consistent and soothing bedtime routine can help your baby or toddler wind down and prepare for sleep. You could include activities such as reading a story, singing a lullaby, or giving a massage.
- Create a comfortable and safe sleeping environment. Make sure your baby or toddler has a cozy and secure place to sleep, with adequate lighting, temperature, and noise levels. You could also use a night light, a white noise machine, or a fan to create some background noise and mask any sounds that might startle them.
- Encourage self-soothing skills. Teach your baby or toddler how to calm themselves down and fall asleep on their own, without relying on your presence or assistance. You could do this by putting them in their crib or bed when they are drowsy but awake, and letting them settle themselves. If they cry or fuss, you could check on them briefly and reassure them, but avoid picking them up or staying too long.
- Avoid co-sleeping or bed-sharing. While it may be tempting to share your bed with your baby or toddler to ease their anxiety, this can actually make it worse in the long run. Co-sleeping or bed-sharing can create a dependency on your physical contact and make it harder for them to sleep independently. It can also pose safety risks for your baby or toddler, such as suffocation, strangulation, or overheating.
- Be patient and consistent. It may take some time and effort for your baby or toddler to overcome their separation anxiety and sleep better at night. Try to be patient and consistent with your approach, and avoid giving in to their demands or changing the rules. Remember that this is a normal phase that will pass eventually.
When to seek professional help for separation anxiety in babies and toddlers?
Separation anxiety is usually a normal and temporary stage of development for babies and toddlers that does not require any medical intervention. However, in some cases, separation anxiety can be severe or persistent enough to interfere with the child's daily functioning or cause significant distress to the child or the caregiver.
If your baby or toddler shows any of the following signs, you may want to consult your doctor or a mental health professional¹:
- Intense or prolonged separation anxiety that lasts beyond 18 months of age
- Separation anxiety that interferes with school or other daily activities
- Separation anxiety that includes panic attacks, physical symptoms, or extreme behaviors
- Separation anxiety that occurs after a traumatic event or a major life change
- Separation anxiety that is accompanied by other emotional or behavioral problems
Your doctor or mental health professional can assess your child's condition and determine if they have separation anxiety disorder (SAD), which is a more serious form of separation anxiety that requires treatment.
Treatment for SAD may include:
- Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which is a type of psychotherapy that helps children learn how to cope with their fears and negative thoughts
- Family therapy, which involves working with the parents or caregivers to improve communication and parenting skills
- Medication, which may be prescribed in some cases to reduce the symptoms of anxiety
Conclusion
Separation anxiety is a normal and common stage of development for babies and toddlers that shows they have formed a strong attachment to their caregiver. However, it can also cause distress and challenges for both infants and caregivers during the day and at night.
There are many ways to help babies and toddlers cope with separation anxiety, such as practicing short separations, leaving something comforting with them, developing a consistent goodbye routine, establishing a regular bedtime routine, encouraging self-soothing skills, and being supportive and empathetic.
Most babies and toddlers will outgrow separation anxiety by about 3 years of age. However, if separation anxiety is severe or persistent enough to affect the child's daily functioning or cause significant distress, it may be a sign of separation anxiety disorder (SAD), which requires professional help.
If you are concerned about your child's separation anxiety, you should consult your doctor or a mental health professional for advice.
Sources:
(1) Separation anxiety disorder - Symptoms and causes - Mayo Clinic. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/separation-anxiety-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20377455.
(2) Separation anxiety in babies: Causes, signs, and how to help. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/separation-anxiety-in-babies.
(3) Separation anxiety - NHS. https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/babys-development/behaviour/separation-anxiety/.
