Uma ingane yakho inezidingo ezikhethekile, ungathola amandla kuwena, emndenini wakho, nasemphakathini wakini.
Sonke esingabazali bezingane ezinezidingo ezikhethekile singakhumbula ngesikhathi siqala ukuzwa uchwepheshe eqinisekisa ukuthi kukhona okuhlukile ngengane yethu. Njengoba mina (Paul LeBuffe) ngicabanga ngalelo langa eminyakeni engaphezu kwengama-25 edlule, engikushiyile enkumbulweni yami ukungafuni ukubheka umkami ngenxa yokwesaba ukuthi ngizohluleka futhi ngizibuze ukuthi siyoke sibe “ngabantu abavamile.” ,” umkhaya ojabulayo.
Phakathi neminyaka eyishumi eyalandela, ngangizohlangana futhi ngibe umngane wokuphila kwakho konke nemibhangqwana emishado yayo yenziwa yaqina, imikhaya yayo ibophene ngokwengeziwe, nokuphila kwayo okugcwele injabulo nenjongo ngokuba nengane enezidingo ezikhethekile. Ngaphinde ngahlangana neminye imikhaya eyayinenkinga yobunzima bokuba “umkhaya okhethekile,” ngezinye izikhathi okwakuphumela esahlukaniso noma ngokwehlukana. Uma ngithi umndeni okhethekile, ngibhekisela emindenini enelungu elilodwa noma ngaphezulu, ngokuvamile okuyizingane, ezinomehluko ongahlanganisa izidingo ezikhethekile zezokwelapha, ingqondo, ingqondo, ukuziphatha, izinzwa, noma ngokomzimba.
Ngokuvamile, i umehluko phakathi kwale mindeni kwehla amakhono abo ekubhekaneni nomndeni nokukhuthazela. Iqoqo lokuqala lemindeni lakwazi ukuhlela ukucindezeleka nokungaqiniseki kokuba nengane enezidingo ezikhethekile njengenselele enikeza amathuba okuhlangana ndawonye nokuthola ithemba, injabulo, nenjongo. Leyo mindeni ebidonsa kanzima kungenzeka iwubonile umsebenzi wokukhulisa ingane enezidingo ezikhethekile njengengcindezi edala inhlekelele, okwenze ukuthi ijwayele ukukhungatheka nokudangala, okuvame ukuholela kwezinye izinkinga.
Eminyakeni engu-25 edlule, umsebenzi wami ubugxile ekukhuthazeni ukuqina kwezingane, intsha, nakubantu abadala—imfanelo sonke esiyithanda kwabanye futhi esifuna ukuyihlakulela kithi ngokwethu. Kodwa ngokuvamile sicabanga ukuqina njengesici esimile: “Ubhekana nezinto kahle kakhulu” noma “Ngifisa sengathi ngingaba namandla.”
Nokho ucwaningo iphakamisa ukuthi ukuqina kungafundwa futhi kuthuthukiswe. Ngiye ngabona ukuqina njengokulinganisela phakathi kwezinselele ezimpilweni zethu kanye nezinsiza okufanele sibhekane nazo—ezinye zangaphakathi, ezinye zangaphandle. Lokho kusho ukuthi ikhono lethu lokukhuthazela lihlala lishintsha, futhi sibhekana kangcono uma siqapha le bhalansi futhi senza izinguquko. Ukuqonda izinqubo eziyisisekelo zokukhuthazela kungakusiza ukuba usinde futhi uphumelele—kungakhathaliseki ukuthi umkhaya okhethekile noma cha.
Izinqubo zobungozi ngokumelene nezinqubo zokuvikela
Sivame ukucabanga ngabantu njengabaqinile lapho benqobe izinselele ezithile ezibalulekile. Ocwaningweni, lezo zinselelo sizibiza ngokuthi “izinqubo zobungozi.”
Izinqubo zobungozi yizimo, izehlakalo, noma izici eziphazamisa ukukhula (kwengane) noma inhlalakahle (kumuntu omdala). Inqubo engozini ingase ibe ukugula noma ingozi, ukuhlukumezeka noma inhlekelele, noma kungase kube izinselele zesikhathi eside ezifana nobumpofu, ukukhubazeka, noma ukuntuleka kwemfundo.
Naphezu kwalezi zinkathazo, abantu abaqinile baphila ukuphila okujabulisayo, okuphumelelayo, okuholela encazelweni yethu yokuqina: ukubuyela emuva engozini noma ebunzimeni . Abacwaningi u-Emmy Werner noRuth Smith kuchaziwe izingane eziqinile “njengezidelela amathuba” futhi yaphawula ukuthi ingxenye eyodwa kwezintathu yezingane ezisengozini enkulu yaba abantu abadala abasebasha “abathanda kahle, abasebenza kahle, abadlala kahle, nabalindele okuhle” naphezu kobunzima ezimpilweni zabo.
Pho abantu bakwazi kanjani ukubekezela? Yini ebenza bakwazi (futhi, sethemba, nathi) ukuthi babhekane nezingqinamba?
Abantu abaqinile bavame ukuba nabaningi izinqubo zokuzivikela ezimpilweni zabo. Lezi yizinto ezisiza ukubavikela emthelela omubi wezinqubo zobungozi futhi zibasize babhekane ngokuphumelelayo. Kungase kube usizo ukucabanga ngezinqubo zokuvikela njengesambulela—ayivimbi imvula, kodwa ikusiza ukuthi uhlale womile. Sizibiza ngezinqubo ngoba ziyimicimbi, izimo, nobudlelwano—njengezinqubo zobungozi—okuhlala kudinga ukulungiswa. Phela uma kushintsha umoya ungawususi ngendlela efanele isambulela sakho kungenzeka usibambe kodwa uzobe ucwile.
Endabeni yabazali bezingane ezinezidingo ezikhethekile, izinqubo zokuzivikela zivame ukuwela ngamaqembu amathathu:
- Okokuqala, kutholakala abaningi emiphakathini yethu , njengodokotela abakhulu, ukungenelela kusenesikhathi kwekhwalithi ephezulu noma izinhlelo zemfundo ekhethekile, ukufinyelela ezinkundleni zokudlala ezishintshile, kanye namaqembu okusekela abazali aqhutshwa kahle. Imindeni ekwaziyo ukufinyelela lezi zinsiza futhi ezwa sengathi izidingo zayo ziyahlangatshezwa cishe izozizwa ixhumene nomphakathi. Siyazi ukuthi ukuxhumana ezikoleni ezisebenzayo nezinsiza zomphakathi kuyisici esibalulekile sokuqina kuyo yonke imindeni.
- Izinqubo zokuvikela nazo zikhona phakathi kwemindeni yethu . Abazali abesekayo, ukwamukela izingane zakwethu, abalingani abaqinile nabasekelanayo kanye nozakwethu, nokuqonda nokwamukela amalungu omndeni onwetshiwe kuwukhiye ekubhekaneni nesimo. Umlando womndeni, amasiko, isiko, namasiko enkolo nakho kungaba imithombo yamandla kanye nogqozi. Iqoqo elikhulu locwaningo ligcizelela indima yobudlelwano obuvikelekile, obunothando ekusekeleni ukuthuthukiswa kwezingane kanye nempilo engcono kanye nokuphila kahle kwawo wonke amalungu omndeni.
- Ekugcineni, sithola izinqubo zokuzivikela ngaphakathi kwethu , njengokuhlekisa, ukubekezela, nethemba. Amakhono ethu okuxazulula izinkinga kanye nekhono lethu lokulawula imizwa yethu nokuziphatha ngezinye izici ezibalulekile zokuqina komuntu ngamunye. Ngakho-ke kubonakala sengathi inhlanganisela yombono wethemba kanye namakhono okuxhumana nabantu kanye nemizwa yokuphatha izimo eziyinselele ngempumelelo ivumela amalungu omndeni angawodwana ukuthi anikele kumndeni oqinile.
Lezi zinqubo zokuvikela emphakathini wethu, imindeni yethu, kanye nathi ngokwethu yizona ezisisiza ukuthi sibhekane nezingozi nobunzima. Kunjengokungathi ukuphila kwethu kwakunokulinganisela, kunezinqubo zobungozi ngakolunye uhlangothi kanye nezinqubo zokuzivikela kolunye. Ukulinganisela phakathi kwalokhu okubili kuhlobene kakhulu nendlela ukuphila komkhaya wethu okujabulisayo, okunenjongo, nothando ngayo.
Kusho ukuthini lokhu emndenini wakho
Emindenini yezingane ezinezidingo ezikhethekile, ukugcina ibhalansi yengozi nezinqubo zokuzivikela kuletha izinselele eziyingqayizivele. Imindeni ehlukile ingase ibe nobunzima ekuqondeni izidingo ezithile zomndeni wayo, ukuphatha izindleko zezimali nezomuntu siqu zezinsizakalo zezokwelapha noma zokwelapha, kanye nokusiza izingane zakubo noma umndeni owandisiwe ukuba wenze umqondo wezidingo eziyingqayizivele zengane enezidingo ezikhethekile. Uma imindeni buka ingcindezi ngayinye njengesimo esibucayi, kungenzeka ukuthi bacindezeleke “ekusindeni” ochungechungeni lwezinkinga. Le mindeni ingase ingakholelwa ukuthi kufanele ithathe isikhathi sokubhekana “nezinkinga” ukuze ihlanganyele emizamweni emihle yokwakha ukuqina komkhaya.
Kodwa leyo mizamo ingaba nemiphumela ehlala njalo ekuphileni komkhaya—futhi iyobonakala ihlukile kuyo yonke imikhaya. Kusuka ku-a ezihlukahlukene kwe ucwaningo , kusobala ukuthi ukuqina komndeni kwakha esimweni sobudlelwane futhi kuvela ekusebenzelaneni okuyinkimbinkimbi, okuqhubekayo phakathi komndeni kanye naphakathi kwezinhlelo ezinjengokunakekelwa kwezempilo, imfundo, kanye nezinsizakalo zomphakathi. Lokhu kuphakamisa ukuthi ziningi izindlela zokwakha ukusimama komndeni emndenini ohlukile—ayikho indlela eyodwa efanele.
Sekukonke, umsebenzi womndeni oqinile oqinile ukubeka kuqala ubuhlobo bomndeni, ubunikazi bomndeni, nemizamo yomndeni ehlangene yokubhekana nokucindezeleka. Njengoba sizoxoxa ezihlokweni ezizayo, lokhu kusho ukwakha ngamasiko avamile, aqondile njengomndeni angasekela izibopho ezikhulisayo phakathi kwawo wonke amalungu omndeni, asebenza njengesisekelo nesizinda sasekhaya lapho ethola khona amandla okubhekana nezithiyo. Kusho ukuba nezingxoxo mayelana nokuthi kusho ukuthini ukuba yilungu lalo mndeni oyingqayizivele, ngaleyo ndlela wakhe umuzwa wokuziqhenya kanye nenjongo ohlanganisa ingane enezidingo ezikhethekile, kanye nawo wonke umuntu. Imindeni eqinile eqinile isebenza ndawonye ukuze yakhe ithemba nethemba, ithole injabulo nokubonga esimweni sezimo ezicindezelayo. Lezi zinqubo zithatha isikhathi nomzamo kanye nokuphikelela. Kodwa, ngenhlanhla, siyazi ukuthi izinqubo zokuvikela zingaba namandla futhi ziqede inani lezinqubo zobungozi—azinazo izisindo ezilinganayo esikalini.
Emndenini oyingqayizivele, kuningi okuhle nokubi: ukwesaba okuzayo, izinselele zoguquko lwempilo, kanye nenjabulo yokufinyelela izinyathelo ezibalulekile. Abaningi bethu babengazimisele ukuzwa ukuthi ingane yethu inezidingo ezikhethekile. Savala amehlo ngenxa yalezi zindaba futhi saba nomuzwa wokuthi umhlaba wethu wawuwohloka. Kubalulekile ukuqaphela, nokho, lokho ubungozi abukho ukudalelwa . Ngokwakha ukuqina kwethu kanye nemindeni yethu, singasiza ukuqondisa isikali ngendlela eyakhayo.
